It has been a while since I posted on this blog.  But I've still been writing.  To my friends and to my family--with emails, facebook messages, and the like.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/dianewong

It bothered me Monday, that I was clearly agitated by the combination of fatigue, my left eye astigmatism, the little tingles in my finger tips, and my overall restlessness.  It was relieved by wearing my eyeglasses on Tuesday and Wednesday.  And now I can't find them.  I last had them on before my workout with Gabi yesterday evening, so they can't have wandered far.  Yes, they are in my car.

The restlessness I felt was relieved by standing up.  I think the chemotherapy or the Neulasta made me feel antsy that night, like my hands and feet weren't there.  Instead, they were wandering off on their own out-of-body experiences without me.

I am happy.  Someone out there likes me despite my breast cancer, and who is to believe one wouldn't.  But the view of myself is not that high, since my last two loves ultimately rejected me for something else.  I still can't believe it.

God is taking care of me in numerous ways, and I like being back at work and feeling useful to my patients.  Leaning on Him again is turning out to be just the thing I need.

A happy day

This morning I met up with my brother and his family at their hotel in La Jolla after picking up some yummy cranberry scones at Brick & Bell Cafe on Silverado. We had some breakfast before heading out to the zoo. It was my first time riding the bus for the tour at the zoo. Even though I am familiar with the layout, it was good to see the animals and a summary/preview of the days' events.

I went off to a tea party at a friend's place later, and it was good to have the girl talk with great food and the coconut and the rose champagne teas. We had some interesting conversations. Reluctant to leave and excited to return to seeing family, I back to the zoo to see the animals, Mr. Zoolittle, the view from the Skyfari, and also time at the Discovery Playground with Kristen, her folks, and her grandfolks.

Then a late dinner at the Fish Market on the water by the USS Midway.

Yeah, it was altogether happy.

P.S. Sam's not in the picture because he was replenishing our hydration cups before the bus tour.

A high

Went today after work to go bike shopping. Had been doing some online window shopping here & there since January. My trainer recommended UC Cyclery--and Dave helped me out. He has been working there for over 25 years. A snippet of advice from Je, and some from Pretty and ta dah! A white Specialized Vita Sport hybrid bike--the only one they had in stock in my size. I know the white is just asking for dirt and I would have loved to get an Elite.

(Is there such a thing as bike insurance?)

and I was able to get the bike rack I wanted. Yay!

Will test it out for a Sabbath jaunt among the paths tomorrow. Yay!

A Steady Pace

Spring forward. Indeed. My friend Victor had told me about the first San Diego Zoo Safari Park (formerly Wild Animal Park) Half-Marathon some months ago, and I signed up--even despite knowing that last night we lost an hour of sleep.

The stars were still brilliantly shining when I arrived at San Pasqual. I took a short nap while listening to Wally Lamb's The Hour I First Believed, chapter 31. Got my "racing" bib and checked in my gear.

When the opening sound to the run reverberated--just after a woman rendered the Star-Spangled Banner, the crowd began to move. I was in the bathroom and started 10 minutes late, but we were wearing a chip on shoe to accurately time our pace anyway.

I was very happy that I jogged most of the 13.1 miles. There was one long loop around and through the north part of the Park. I was looking for Victor, because he was about 5 minutes ahead of me at a 2-hour pace. He finished at just under 1:58.

The course was more hilly than I expected--it reminded me slightly of the mud run. I just walked those hills. Doing long distance run-walks are mainly "fun" for me. I don't do it to improve my fitness or my time. And I burst into song outloud--anything from "Tis So Sweet To Trust in Jesus" by PRISM to "Toxic" by Britney Spears, or "What Have I Done to Deserve This?" by Pet Shop Boys.

Jogging most of the way was a record for me. No shin splints. Slight tightening of my IT Band. But I made it--and spent the 1401 calories to do it. Thanks, God. You are my Rock.

faithful

When it is quiet, it is very easy to hear all that is noisy about life. There are thousands of women here at the Honda Center in Anaheim, CA. Women of Faith "Imagine" is the theme. I am a little cynical about life and people in general. While my career goes better because of empathy, I reluctantly use it in real life in some instances.

We have had two beyond excellent speakers today. I am grateful that Women of Faith brought them here. Marcus Buckingham is an inspirational speaker, born in England, now living in Los Angeles. He is so funny--I don't get every joke, but the France one, I got (Sorry,Jill.). He emphasizes our talents, what makes us unique and will help us interact with the world on a day-to-day level. He calls them strengths and wonders why most Americans would rather fix their weaknesses than focus on our strengths. God gave us all we need. All these wonderful qualities. For instance, when we were young, and parents looked at our report cards, they would fixate more on the F, than the A. He told us a story of his son when Jack was entering kindergarten. Not a fantastic artist, Jack's strengths are geared toward structure and math. He taught himself to read so he could understand baseball scores (at the age of 4).

His daughter, however, nurses her strength in "benevolent altruism". She is great with people for secondary gain. Her third goal for the first grade was "to stop fooling the teachers". When this was shown to her brother Jack, he said/thought, "What? You are not supposed to do that," and "Can teachers be fooled?"

Sheila Walsh had talked about Gideon in her first chat with us--urging us to trust. Gideon and the state of Israel did not trust God in the times after Joshua. So with 300 soldiers, God showed them what He could do.

Israel did not trust God.

Later, she told us about Mary, Martha, & Lazarus and their relationship with Jesus(John 11). One time He came too early, and another time He came too late. I saw the story with different eyes. The disciples said to Jesus, "You are going back to Judea, where they are threatening your life?" And He said yes, and Thomas said, "Let's go with Him."

Jesus' raising Lazarus from the dead was Jesus' last public appearance before He was betrayed.
Sheila talked about a couple interactions with women. One where she was headed to Bakersfield, CA, and her flight was delayed. She said to remain open to God's scheduling.

In line to transfer her ticket from the transit route being Phoenix to L.A., the couple in front of her were a minister and his wife. They were having trouble with their church, and the wife had said earlier that day, "Does God not know where I live anymore?"

"God never interrupts without a reason." -Sheila Walsh. She started singing "Jesus Loves Me" after she told us about another lady who had buried her three sons. We joined her when she sang the chorus. And I started crying.

I asked God, then, "Why have you sent me a life partner who hates or is indifferent to the One I love the most?". It gnaws at my spirit.

Marcus said that marriages work because of benevolent distortion: the most generous way of that person's behavior.  A deliberately skewing to positive.

Ahhhhh! So much packed into 3-4 hours so far.

I am so happy to be feeling so healthy.

balancing

This past week or so, has brought a renewal in me that I hope I keep--going. I had had fun with my family and also attending my cousin's wedding shower. Had my massage Tuesday afternoon with Ruth. I was able to step into the sauna for a few minutes before it, and it made a difference! I totally fell asleep also, because I had had less than six hours two nights before. Was worrying about my relationship with Mike.

I was lucky that work was not complicated last week. Made Mike dinner Wednesday night before I left for Breckenridge. He is working hard to get into better shape. So, I am keeping my fingers crossed. :)

Have been super late to the trainer the past few months. But I hope to remedy that by guarding my boundaries more at work with the patients.

Flew on United to Denver at 6:25 am, and got there around 945. Took the Colorado Mountain Express shuttle to Breck, and was deposited at Mountain Thunder Lodge. A new location for the Balance Conference this year, because of renovations at the Village at Breckenridge. Slept on the plane, slept on the shuttle.

Saw Dorry Parker and her fiancee David shortly after I checked in--then grabbed crepes and a peach smoothie at Lafrancaise bakery. It was quite a brisk walk at 9000 feet altitude! I was huffing at 100 feet or less. Took pics then along the way. Such a beautiful quaint picturesque town.

All the familiar faces at the conference was such a joy in itself. We started with Max Regan's writing class (http://www.hollowdeckpress.com/home.html). The conference's theme was "Community, Continuity, and Celebration"--in honor of their 20th anniversary. So he spoke on creative writing and journaling to help patients and to help ourselves to avoid stress and burnout. We shared a few of our stories from this past year. Max always has wonderful insight and suggestions for our writings, and especially good jumping off points. At the writing workship on Saturday afternoon, I discovered my secret loathing of school. =P

We had Welcome and then discussion of the history of the conference, which started in 1991 after two years of the Balance magazine for female physicians. The same topics they discussed the first time, bears repeating, even now. Janet Shepherd, MD, wrote about the female physician role and Mother Teresa. We some about the history of women in medicine and a couple wiser ones shared their experiences.

Elizabeth Dixon spoke with us about caregiver stress/trauma, and we did a couple meditations - one visual, and one seated. Cecily McGaw taught us some techniques to re-energize and to calm; and we reviewed neurology--with the thumb as the amygdala and the top of the hand the prefrontal cortex. We had a group dinner that evening; Nasim could not do her full shindig due to Ramadan and she brought in some yummy potato cakes. We had Martha's pasta, Doris explained we had some vegetarian sauce with soy protein, and also a separate one with meatballs. I had forgotten that a few of us are vegetarians.

After our bellies were full, Rohini Kannaganti led us in a round of "Name your favorite insect/invertebrate for Mochi". She sang Mochi to the tune of Snoopy Come Home. Hilarious. Jane was cracking up; she shared her story about mochi--and the deep fried mochi.

We had a butterfly, earthworm, ladybug, squid, monarch butterfly, honeybee, ant, walking stick, preying mantis, and more. Then Martha suggested we do a progressive fairytale. Some people were talking about how fairytales were dark and horrible.

We told a tale about a girl who lived near the saltmines who was on a quest to find her twin sister. She went to the forest and ran into a bear. She promptly ran away and found a castle. A giant toad asked for a kiss in exchange for information about her sister. The girl refused and went back across the moat, to find reinforcements. She found the bear and explained the situation, and then also a lion and a tiger. (A lion, a tiger, a bear, - "Oh my!") They ended up going to the saltmines and discovered a beautiful toilet. But it got sucked up into a black hole. The saltmines had a clue about the girl's twin.

So they sought out a professor who had studied saltmines, black holes; and also mentioned the giant toad. The toad happened to be Professor Sodiummeister's cursed son. Professor Sodiumeister contacted a professor friend in Iceland who had cursed Sodiumeister's son. Therefore, he couldn't discuss the topic at hand.

Discouraged, the girl went back to the castle with her lion, tiger, and bear "Oh my!", to confront the toad.

Nasim ended the story; and the prince did get married, and the sister did find her twin in a spaceship that was in the castle that contained the saltmines and her twin sister.

Went to yoga each morning in Breck--by our regular friend, Wendy. I love savasana after all the poses are done!

Saturday, we discussed addiction and how to detoxify, and when to intervene. Dr. Libby works in a prison juvenile offenders.

I had better sleep! More later. Saw Eat, Pray, Love tonight at the movies, and it was an appropriate end to a wonderful long weekend.

More later,
D

I did not take notes.

So, the last time I wrote notes at a funeral was when I was attending my third-grade teacher's service at Vallejo Drive. Weirdly, Mel was doing the same thing. We loved these little unknown details about someone who was in our lives. Had also attended a funeral of a dear church friend the same day.

And here we go again. Launch--- Mel texted me Thursday afternoon, July 1. Ken Arrogante and his wife and daughter were killed in a car accident. (I found out later that Jannel was severely injured and had surgery, but survived.) I was with my friend Stacy and we had just finished walking. I could not drive home--not that second anyway.

We had takeout Thai food and my shaking had stopped enough for me to drive. At home, I continued looking blankly at Ken's Facebook page. My brother Mark later noted, the comments on the last picture Ken posted of daughter Jannel and nephew Jhun, Day 1..June 30, 9:00 pm.. Our journey begins.. General conference (Atlanta, GA) bound.

Later, I read the article online about the accident by googling Ken's name. I was shocked, but then, I was really angry. Maybe, I still am.

Last Friday, Mark and I made it to the memorial service and talked with Ken's cousin, Andy--Mark's friend. We also said hello to the Anacayas, and few of Mark's barcada at La Sierra U. back in the day. Talked to Duane Tan also, who worked with Ken more than two years at LLU. He said that when he hung out with Ken, he would always stop to talk to someone he knows.

Sabbath at Central Filipino Church, I was still shocked that Pastor (Kuya) Ariel had died. Then I started to cry in the lobby. I am still saddened. The shocked feeling is still there, even though he had been diagnosed with colon cancer over two years ago. (The music was beautiful Kuya! I know you will watch/hear it some day on God's DVD player. ;) )

Early Sunday morning, I got ready to drive back up to Loma Linda. Picked up Mike, and off we went.

The details are pretty blurry. I remember the microphone kept on going out, first on Pastor Belonio, then Pastor Ely Sacay. They replaced it. A prayer was said, Psalm 23, and 1 Thes. 4:16-18 read. Some wonderful choir music from Loma Linda Filipino Church including their AY Chorus, Pathfinder Choir, and also the Arrogante cousins ("Undivided"). Pastor Garry (Mupas) gave encouraging and comforting words. I guess most of all, that touched me, that always strikes a chord at funerals are the personal testimonies of those who loved and lost. Like when at Mother's or Father's Day or graduation Sabbaths, the children pay tributes to their parents.

Jocelyn's older brother Orlando--he lives in Sydney, Australia. He had only talked and seen Ken, his brother-in-law, via Skype. And one could tell, by their wedding photos and pictures together, that they were so in love. MFEO, and all that. That is Ken and Jocelyn, of course. Orlando spoke glowingly of his dear sister, the first child of his father's second marriage. I could tell Jocelyn was one of those people. Yeah, you know who I am talking about (*cough* Cealy Imperio Mercurio). Jocelyn's cousin Shirley talked about how she was a good listener and always there for her, no matter what. Steve Ungson told a funny story about how he and Ken got caught in a storm on a boat and got soaked! Because they were Filipino, they were naturally inclined to fish. JJ (Jacqueline Lamangan, Jocelyn's eldest daughter and mother of Alyssa) spoke about how her mother was so hard-working, and for a long while, it was just the three of them. They lived in South Lake Tahoe, Jocelyn working at a casino. She appreciated so much that Ken became her father. Ken, this threat, who was wooing her mother. JJ was naturally protective, but was won over by Ken.

Ken and Jocelyn had met, courtesy of eHarmony, in 2002 (?). When their courtship began, Jocelyn's car did not last long. They had it towed from LA to Murrieta, and they ended up buying a new car. He proposed in 2004, and they married September 2005. His younger brother Prince mentioned that Ken would shrug it off when people asked him about a girlfriend or getting married. Hmmm, not a familiar feeling at all.

That is what I remember. My heart feels extra heavy with tears not shed yet. For Pastor Roxas, for Ken and his wife, for their families and friends for their loss. In November-December 2006, I remember how David's (Santos') dad, Uncle Herming, and two others in my church family died and I attended four funerals in six weeks. With the fifth funeral, I did not go. It was just too much.

Ken and then, Kuya Ariel. My, oh my. Such great men for the Lord. Energy, love of life, zealous, mischievous. God's calling them home--their work is done.